Edicts of the House of Irvine
collected and transcribed by Jeffrey Sward
 
Edict I. The Irvine Company knows what you want more than anyone.
Corollary: The Irvine Company is God.
Corollary: Thou shalt want only what the Irvine Company provideth.
Corollary: Thou shalt have no other Gods before The Irvine Company.
Corollary: God shalt do thy thinking.
 
Edict II. The Irvine City Council knows what you want more than anyone except the Irvine Company.
Corollary: The Irvine City Council sitteth on the right hand of God.
 
Edict III. Thy community association knows what you want more than anyone except the Irvine Company and the Irvine City Council.
Corollary: Thy community association talks with God.
Corollary: Thy community association is anointed by God.
 
Edict IV. God hath divided the peoples of the earth into the following tribes:
"True Irviners" are Irvine residents who hath fully assimilated The Edicts of the House of Irvine. True Irviners are True Believers.
"Green Irviners" are Irvine residents who have yet to assimilate The Edicts of the House of Irvine.
"Interlopers" are people who work in Irvine but do not live in Irvine.
"Heathen" are all of the peoples of the earth who do not belong to any of the other tribes.
 
Edict V. True Irviners shalt despise Interlopers and Heathen. True Irviners shalt barely tolerate Green Irviners.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt instantly identify Heathen, Interlopers and Green Irviners. True Irviners shalt learn secret gestures which are known only to other True Irviners.
 
Edict VI. Thou shalt be polite.
Corollary: When True Irviners must deal with Interlopers and Heathen, True Irviners shalt appear to be polite. Thusly, True Irviners shalt express their disdain for Interlopers and Heathen by a supercilious attitude and patronizing demeanor.
Corollary: When Heathen are shopping in Irvine, retail clerks shalt never cooperate with the Heathen. Retail clerks shalt only cooperate with True Irviners.
Corollary: All retail clerks employed within the House of Irvine shalt be taught the secret gestures which all True Irviners use to identify each other.
 
Edict VII. Thou shalt not laugh in public.
Corollary: True Irviners hath no sense of humor.
 
Edict VIII. When asked why anyone should work or live in Irvine, thou shalt reply "prestige."
Corollary: True Irviners shalt pronounce the word "prestige" with a generous dose of haughty arrogance.
Corollary: Green Irviners shalt show a marked tentativeness when pronouncing the word "prestige."
 
Edict IX. God hath divided the House of Irvine into neighborhoods which hath been named from nature.
Corollary: All neighborhood names in the House of Irvine shalt have at least one word from nature, such as park, wood, turtle, or walnut. Especially prized are names with two nature words, such as Wood Crest.
Corollary: Irvine hath been planned to avoid any part of nature since nature cannot be controlled. True Irviners shalt see no irony in nature based names for an environment with no nature.
Corollary: The House of Irvine hath been created by God in the image of Levittown. The House of Irvine hath been ordained as a more recent and slightly more upscale version of Levittown. Both are divinely inspired planned communities built in a relatively short amount of time with a large-scale master plan. Levittown and Irvine hath both been blessed by God with nature based neighborhood names and curved streets. True Irviners shalt see no similarities between Irvine and Levittown. Levittown hath seeded its own destruction by allowing the sin of allows resident choice.
 
Edict X. Thou shalt memorize the locations of all destinations in the House of Irvine.
 
Edict XI. There shalt be no signs, numbers, or any other indications of location visible from roads in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: There shalt be no commercial buildings visible from the roads in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: There shalt be a berm separating all roads from all commercial buildings.
Corollary: There shalt be no house numbers visible from the roads in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: Thou shalt have both odd and even house numbers on each side of street in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: There shalt be no street signs visible from roads in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt not give directions. The destination only is mentioned.
Corollary: Only Heathen depend on house numbers, street names, odd and even numbers, or sighting commercial buildings. True Irviners hath all destinations memorized.
Corollary: The inability of Heathen to locate anything in the House of Irvine is intentional since Heathen are not welcome.
 
Edict XII. There shalt be only two types of roads in the House of Irvine:
Type 1: Big Roads shalt have a speed limit is 50 mph.
Type 2: Residential Roads shalt have a speed limit is 25 mph.
Corollary: There shalt only be one entrance every mile from the Big Roads to the Residential Roads.
Corollary: When Heathen miss the one entrance to the Residential Road from the Big Road, the Heathen shalt be obliged to drive one additional mile in order to make a U-Turn. True Irviners shalt never miss thy entrance because True Irviners hath memorized all destinations in the House of Irvine.
 
Edict XIII. All roads shalt curve in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: Curved roads confuse Heathen, while True Irviners hath memorized all destinations.
Corollary: When two streets curve in complementary arcs, they shalt meet in two locations. In this way it is possible to have two separate intersections which are both MacArthur and Main, further confusing Heathen.
 
Edict XIV. The names of all streets shalt change when the street exits the House of Irvine.
Corollary: Irvine is so special that it cannot share street names with Cities of Heathen.
 
Edict XV. There shalt be no convenience stores in the House of Irvine.
 
Edict XVI. There shalt be no gas stations in the House of Irvine.
 
Edict XVII. There shalt be no American Restaurants in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt prefer bad foreign food over good American food. True Irviners shalt thusly convince themselves that they are cosmopolitan.
 
Edict XVIII. Thy preferred beverage shalt be wine.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt believeth they are cultured because they sippeth wine in an outdoor setting whilst listening to the 1812 Overture played by the Orchestra of the House of Irvine.
 
Edict XIX. The color of the ground in the House of Irvine shalt be green.
Corollary: All exposed ground shalt either be covered with green plants or painted green.
Corollary: Thou shalt not cover the ground with Astro Turf even though it be green.
 
Edict XX. Thou shalt paint thy house tan, cream, or brown.
Corollary: All colors other than tan, cream, brown, and green are evil.
Corollary: Thou shalt not paint thy house green. Green goeth to ground.
 
Edict XXI. Thy appearance shalt be well groomed.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt wear clothing which fits the acceptable colors of tan, cream, brown, and green.
Corollary: True Irviner women shalt have their hair colored regularly, each time in a different hue.
Corollary: True Irviner women shalt wear makeup.
Corollary: True Irviner women shalt have cosmetic surgery.
 
Edict XXII. There shalt be no pedestrians in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: Thou shalt drive everywhere.
Corollary: Thou shalt only walk from thy automobile into buildings. However, since pedestrians do not exist, True Irviners shalt not be obligated to notice people walking in parking lots.
 
Edict XXIII. There shalt be no sidewalks in the House of Irvine.
Corollary: Since there are no pedestrians in the House of Irvine, sidewalks are unnecessary.
Corollary: Heathen who insist on walking shalt walk on wet grass and asphalt.
Corollary: Interlopers in business districts can be observed taking walks during lunch hour, walking directly on busy commercial streets.
 
Edict XXIV. Thou shalt own an automobile selected from the following list:.
BMW
Mercedes-Benz
Lexus
Infiniti
Acura
Volvo
Saab
Jaguar
Any SUV weighing more than 4000 pounds
 
Edict XXV. Go forth and multiply.
Corollary: Thy children shalt be seen and not heard.
Corollary: Thy children shalt display no spontaneity in public.
Corollary: There shalt be no evidence of children. This includes basketball hoops, toys, etc.
Corollary: Thy children shalt be enrolled in the college of thy choice. Thy child shalt not select their own college.
Corollary: If thy child is of age and becomes a Heathen, thou shalt shun thy child.
 
Edict XXVI. Thou art more important than any other person in the world, including other True Irviners.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt instantly move to the front of every line.
Corollary: True Irviners shalt have the right of way when driving under all circumstances.
Corollary: When cars are stopped in front a True Irviner, the True Irviner shalt drive the wrong way in the opposite lane.
Corollary: When driving, True Irviners shalt always tailgate.
Corollary: When driving, if a True Irviner notices a Heathen driving behind him, the True Irviner shalt drive much slower than normal traffic.
 
[Click here to view the Introduction to The Edicts of the House of Irvine]
 

All written content of this web site is solely the editorial opinion of Jeffrey Sward. In particular, the "Introduction to the Edicts of the House of Irvine" and the "Edicts of the House of Irvine" are solely the editorial opinion of Jeffrey Sward. The "Introduction to the Edicts of the House of Irvine" and the "Edicts of the House of Irvine" do not represent any official or unofficial policy or opinion of the Irvine Company, the City of Irvine, or any community association within the City of Irvine. All images, graphics, and written content of this web site, including the html files, are creative products covered by copyright law. All content copyright Jeffrey Sward 1975-2008. All rights reserved. No portion of this web site or its constituent elements may be reproduced in any form, by any means, without prior written permission. So there.